A few months ago, I was chatting with my hairdresser and she asked me how to manage compassion fatigue. Little did I know I was about to enter a period where I was going to need every shred of care and compassion I had – for months, relentlessly.
At the time, the world had been watching the war in Ukraine, since then there is the war in Palestine, cost of living crisis, businesses going bankrupt. So without our own personal lives impacting on us, many of us are fatigued by what we are seeing online.
I have recorded a video on this, but I also wanted to write about how I suggested managing compassion fatigue and what I have done to support myself through a complex and consistent high-care time.
Is it your job?
Whilst I am not a psychologist, though I hold the degree, psychologists are one of the professions where compassion is their job. Psychologists, social workers, school teachers, nurses, general practitioners and other doctors, and first responders (police, fire, ambulance, defence personnel) all have compassion as part of their job.
Working with and being friends with people who are in these professions, I know that the majority of psychologists and social workers will regularly seek the support of professional counselling to help them. Being the daughter of a Veteran, having worked for Veterans’ Affairs (DVA) for 12 years & having a husband who was a public servant with the police, I know that these first responders are not likely to seek the support of professional counselling to help them; sure they may debrief an incident but that’s about the extent of it. And my guess is that the remainder sit within a continuum in-between.
I mentioned that I worked for DVA, for 5 of those years, I was a front-line worker with a client caseload. I can tell you that I cared for my clients. I cared too much sometimes. It got to the point where I would cry in the shower for them, I would start stressing about the new week on Saturdays. I am certain that the stress of my work contributed to my youngest being born 4 weeks early. Caring was part of my job, I was seeing a psychologist, and it still impacted me. I understand just how draining compassion fatigue is when it is expected of you.
My point is that these people all have caring as part of their job. While hairdressers are often seen as substitute therapists, it’s not their job. To be fair, it’s not even the job of friends or family to be our pseudo-counsellors.
Unless you are one of the caring professions, you are well within your rights to ask the person to talk about something else, redirect a conversation, or to remove yourself from the conversation. Actually, I even redirected conversations when I had a front-line role & I absolutely passed calls onto my manager when the client asked.
So I wanted to go through some of the ways I use to help stem compassion fatigue now.
Is it within your control?
The biggest mindset shift I have had this year is to only worry over things that are within my control, yes that includes family issues. If it’s not within my control, I can only react and respond to whatever is presented to me.
This change in thinking has meant a few things:
- I no longer worry about things outside of my control
- I no longer take on the worries of others when they tell me
- I have had to learn to put in different boundaries
- I have had to learn to let people experience their own journey in life without me or without my guidance (unless they ask)
What I have learnt by doing this is that I actually have greater ability to have and show compassion. I am also able to have more grace in difficult situations. I feel less stressed. My mind no longer whirrs with issues outside of my control.
I can’t tell you just how many years I have wanted to internalise this lesson. Perhaps it is where I am in my growth. Perhaps it’s precisely what I have needed to do to ensure that I could get through. I will never know, it’s outside of my control.
What I want to say to business owners about this is that it can be used in many ways and to many benefits:
– no longer worrying about a client who compares prices
– no longer worrying about others in your industry
– greater likelihood of trusting and staff being more independent (and happier)
– spending more time focused on things you can change and improve/remove
– becoming more profitable
– worrying less about what others (friends and family) say about your business
– more capacity to respond to things as they arise
– less take-home stress/ more capacity for family & self
Boundaries & compassion fatigue
I know, boundaries are a hot topic in my Facebook Group. In fact, just the other week one of the members said that they realised how they need boundaries in their personal and business dealings and they struggle with all aspects of boundaries.
The thing is that if we don’t have and hold boundaries, we are more likely to give too much and that is one of the keys to compassion fatigue. We just care too much and it’s to our own detriment.
So what did I say in the group about boundaries? I was looking where we had issues with boundaries:
– realising that you need them
– realising who/what you need them for
– putting boundaries in place
– holding/keeping the boundary
– guilt/other emotions from having them
As I mentioned at the start of the article, you have the ability to redirect or shut off conversations you do not feel comfortable with. This is you installing a boundary. For those in your life who do not or can not respect this, you may need to consider a “taller/wider” boundary where you reduce, restrict, or remove interactions. This could mean as little as unfollowing or restricting on social media, through to not having any communication. In a service setting, thinking of my hairdresser, I would suggest redirecting, briefly explaining that a particular topic is unsettling and you ask that they no longer talk about it (they may need reminding), and talking to management about having a different person service the client. In the end, it is the manager’s responsibility to ensure your psychological safety in the workplace.
I acknowledge that putting boundaries in place, particularly at work, can be difficult. If you remember that this is about respect and safe workplaces, I hope that you can see that if they are not reinforced by clients or management that you should consider if that space is the best for your wellbeing. I have left a career because of a toxic culture and management that was unsupportive of my needs.
When it comes to world affairs and the ongoing issues we see online and on the news, I recommend limiting your exposure. I went almost 12 years without watching the news on TV. I didn’t feel like I missed out on what was going on but I did feel less stressed. Instead, I relied on social media (Twitter at the time) and news update emails to keep up to date. This meant that I had a boundary and could limit what I read and when I did it.
So how do boundaries benefit business owners who are breaking from compassion fatigue:
– it creates space
– you get to prioritise what matters/is needed most
– people know where you stand and respect you for it (even if they don’t like it)
– the things that matter most get done
– red flag clients disappear
– you build confidence
You can read more about boundaries in this article.
Let them philosophy & compassion fatigue
This year I have started using the phrase “Let them” to help me focus on things that are within my control. While this article focuses on a hairdresser and those clients who use them as proxy therapy, I wanted to share how I use it and how I would use it in this example.
Personally, I look at the situation and simple remind myself, “let them”. Let them do the thing I know isn’t in their best interest, let them make a mistake, let them say the thing, and above all let them learn. I think that’s the key that a lot of the time we experience compassion fatigue because we care too much about things outside of our control. We forget that everyone needs to learn at their own pace and experience things in their own life journey.
So for the hairdresser and the sort, you can say “I don’t know what to say to that, perhaps we talk about something else.” In the meantime remind yourself that whatever the issue is, it is theirs to navigate. Let them.
For business owners, using the ‘let them’ philosophy means that:
– you have more time
– you have more energy
– you have the ability to have more compassion
– it’s easier to let people go from your business
Compassion fatigue is really when we take on too much that isn’t ours to bear. It can be difficult when it is part of our work. Regardless we need to take care of ourselves so that we can be effective in our work and personal lives. This might mean that we:
– seek counselling
– focus on what is within our control
– implement boundaries
– divert or stop conversations
– let them
so that we are not burnt out by compassion fatigue.
As always, if you find yourself in this situation, please reach out to your primary care physician or an online mental health service. You need to take care of yourself first.
